We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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