I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
