does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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