he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You took a bar mat shot.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
