My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
