make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
