Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
