There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
