I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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