I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
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im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
you are never too drunk for berry picking
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I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
we're so committed to being not committed