he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You were trust falling into bushes
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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