I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You took a bar mat shot.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
