there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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