I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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