He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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