if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
