somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
