life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My day in three words: secret purse cake
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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