Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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