the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
