I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
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she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
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A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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