Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We left an ass print on the piano.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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