dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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