JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
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This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
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Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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