I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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