This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
