so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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