Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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