Will you blow on my dice?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
