just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
