i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
