Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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