Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
