I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
