I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
