Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
