when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
