Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
ttyl tear gas
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
