Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
