I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
