I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
