thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
