is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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