listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
