Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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