So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
