I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
