her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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