we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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