Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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