My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
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