I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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