I bet he comes in French.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
