I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
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He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
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From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.