Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
