She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I AM VODKA MAN
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
