i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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